BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
- It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
- Take your time getting back from break.
- We’ve been ready for hours.
- No, I called that perfectly the first time, let’s move on.
- The headsets are working perfectly.
- The cue lights are working perfectly.
- The orchestra has no complaints.
- The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..
- That didn’t take long.
- Make as much noise as you like backstage.
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY THE PRODUCER:
- Of course there’s enough money to go around.
- We have money left over.
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY THE DIRECTOR:
- Wow, the designers were right, weren’t they?
- No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
- I think the scene changes are too fast.
- Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
- The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!
- That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
- Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
- This chair’s fine, thank you.
- No we don’t need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.
- Thank You.
- We’ll use it as it is.
- My round, are all the crew here?
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY THE DESIGNERS:
- Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
- Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.
- You know, you might have a point there.
- The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wanted.
- We may have too many gel colours in stock, I can’t choose.
- The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:
- This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen.
- We built it right the first time.
- No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.
- I love designers.
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY THE ACTOR:
- Don’t…. Let’s not talk about me.
- I really think my big scene should be cut.
- This costume is so comfortable.
- I love my shoes.
- No problem, I can do that myself.
- I have a fantastic agent.
- Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
- No, leave that spot where it is – I’ll walk into it.
- I’m sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.
- You’re right – you deserved that part more than me.
- Without the crew the show would never run – let’s thank them.
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY THE STAGE/PROPS CREW:
- There’s room for that over here.
- We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
- No, no, I’m sure that is our job.
- Anything I can do to help?
- All the tools are carefully locked away.
- Can we do that scene change again, please?
- It’s a marvellous show.
- I don’t need this many on the crew.
- I’m getting loads of sleep – everythings going really well.
- Yes, take the props back to your dressing room – I’ll collect them during the show
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY THE ELECTRICS CREW
- I must fix the light in the publicity office.
- This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
- Of course I can operate sound from here.
- Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
- All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.
- I’ll do that right away.
- All the equipment is working perfectly.
- No, please – take the last doughnut.
- That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
- Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn’t it.
- I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
- No, honestly, it’s my round.
- Thanks, but I don’t drink.
BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER
- This floor’s fine.
- Plenty warm enough, thank you.
- Thank you.
- The lights are spot on.
- Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
- One dressing room’s fine.
- The costumes are perfect.
- The boom positions are fine.
- The wing space is ample, really.
BY THE ORCHESTRA
- Oh the pit’s fine; actually we don’t need all that space you could have built a smaller pit.
- No it’s alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don’t want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.
- Could you turn these music stand lights down? They’re a bit too bright.
- Of course we can play quieter.
- The foldback is fine.
BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER
- Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.
BY THE COSTUMER
- Of course it’s my fault the costume tore, I didn’t sew it well enough.
- No, I have nothing to do, I can take your dress in an inch.
- Hmm, I must have measured wrong – that’s why the costume won’t fit.
- It’s OK if the skirt tears – that dance has to be perfect!
- Oh, don’t worry about hanging up your costume – I can do it during my break.
- I have all the fabric I need.
- Please don’t wear deodorant.
- It’s OK if the costume’s wrinkled, we don’t need to iron it!
- We can skip costume fittings for another rehearsal.
- No, it must be my sewing – you definitely didn’t gain weight.
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
BY AN ACROBAT
- Can I have a new unitard? This one is too worn in.
- Can I have a new pair of shoes?
- Can you do my makeup a little heavier?
- No, the riggers are right.
- No, Stage Management gave me my call, I just wasn’t paying attention.
- I can’t go out tonight: I have an early training tomorrow.
- I forgot my (costume piece, in-ear, harness); I’ll run back and get it.
- I’d love to add another cue to my show, no problem!
- No thanks, I don’t drink.
Do you have any ‘Things You’ll Never Hear in the Theatre’ to add? Contact Us!
Source – unknown.
‘Costumer’ section added 2011 by Amy
‘Acrobat’ section added 2011 by Jen.
Two addtional Things added 2016 by Andy Deeley
If anyone knows the author of the rest, please let us know so I can credit him/her correctly.
If you enjoyed this page, please check out our other Humour pages, including The Techie Gospel and The Show Report.
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