Humour

Things You Will Never Hear in the Theatre

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:

• It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
• Take your time getting back from break.
• We've been ready for hours.
• No, I called that perfectly the first time, let's move on.
• The headsets are working perfectly.
• The cue lights are working perfectly.
• The orchestra has no complaints.
• The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..
• That didn't take long.
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:

• Of course there's enough money to go around.
• We have money left over.
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DIRECTOR:

• Wow, the designers were right, weren't they?
• No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.
• I think the scene changes are too fast.
• Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
• The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
• That's fine, I've got my own torch.
• Leave it where it is, we'll re-block it.
• This chair's fine, thank you.
• No we don't need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.
• Thank You.
• We'll use it as it is.
• My round, are all the crew here?
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:

• Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
• Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.
• You know, you might have a point there.
• The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
• We may have too many gel colours in stock, I can't choose.
• The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:

• This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.
• We built it right the first time.
• No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
• I love designers.
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ACTOR:

• Don't.... Let's not talk about me.
• I really think my big scene should be cut.
• This costume is so comfortable.
• I love my shoes.
• No problem, I can do that myself.
• I have a fantastic agent.
• Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
• No, leave that spot where it is - I'll walk into it.
• I'm sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.
• You're right - you deserved that part more than me.
• Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:

• There's room for that over here.
• We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
• No, no, I'm sure that is our job.
• Anything I can do to help?
• All the tools are carefully locked away.
• Can we do that scene change again, please?
• It's a marvellous show.
• I don't need this many on the crew.
• I'm getting loads of sleep - everythings going really well.
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ELECTRICS CREW

• I must fix the light in the publicity office.
• This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
• Of course I can operate sound from here.
• Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
• All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.
• I'll do that right away.
• All the equipment is working perfectly.
• No, please - take the last doughnut.
• That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
• Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn't it.
• I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
• No, honestly, it's my round.
• Thanks, but I don't drink.

BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER

• This floor's fine.
• Plenty warm enough, thank you.
• Thank you.
• The lights are spot on.
• Leave it; we'll fit in somehow.
• One dressing room's fine.
• The costumes are perfect.
• The boom positions are fine.
• The wing space is ample, really.

BY THE ORCHESTRA

• Oh the pit's fine; actually we don't need all that space you could have built a smaller pit.
• No it's alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don't want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.
• Could you turn these music stand lights down? They're a bit too bright.
• Of course we can play quieter.
• The foldback is fine.

BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER

• Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.

BY THE COSTUMER

• Of course it's my fault the costume tore, I didn't sew it well enough.
• No, I have nothing to do, I can take your dress in an inch.
• Hmm, I must have measured wrong - that's why the costume won't fit.
• It's OK if the skirt tears - that dance has to be perfect!
• Oh, don't worry about hanging up your costume - I can do it during my break.
• I have all the fabric I need.
• Please don't wear deodorant.
• It's OK if the costume's wrinkled, we don't need to iron it!
• We can skip costume fittings for another rehearsal.
• No, it must be my sewing - you definitely didn't gain weight.
• No thanks, I don't drink.

BY AN ACROBAT

• Can I have a new unitard? This one is too worn in.
• Can I have a new pair of shoes?
• Can you do my makeup a little heavier?
• No, the riggers are right.
• No, Stage Management gave me my call, I just wasn't paying attention.
• I can't go out tonight: I have an early training tomorrow.
• I forgot my (costume piece, in-ear, harness); I'll run back and get it.
• I'd love to add another cue to my show, no problem!
• No thanks, I don't drink.

---

Do you have any 'Things You'll Never Hear in the Theatre' to add? Contact Us!

Source - unknown.
'Costumer' section added 2011 by Amy
'Acrobat' section added 2011 by Jen.
If anyone knows the author of the rest, please let me know so I can credit him/her correctly.