Humour - The Fight Director's Nightmare

Things you'll never hear a Fight Director say...

Yeah - it's fine that you can't get the real weapons til the final dress rehearsal... no worries.
As you've not got a budget for fights for your period production of Romeo and Juliet, of course I'll direct them for free... no worries.
It's fine that you don't have time to do any fight rehearsals til after the technical runs… no worries
You want me to provide weapons for free? Sure!

"Can you get the actors to do it as good as you do it?"
"Can we do that large broad sword fight in bare feet?"
"Is two free tickets to a Saturday matinee enough payment for the 70 hours you have put in?"
"Can we get you to come in on the last preview and look at what we have put together?"

Oh you don't need a fight director because you know what you are doing?
Oh you don't need a fight director to work out that broad sword fight as you have got a fencer in the show??
You want the disarm of that sword to fly through the air towards the star cloth?
You want the disarm of that sword to fly through the air towards the audience?
So let me get this right; you want a full blown battle with 16 actors and you have given me 2 hours...and sorry what was that?... no one has done any stage combat before?
You don't need any advice on the contact slap you are doing... ???

Supplied by

Scott Witt
Actor, Clown, Fight Director and Director
Australia
(November 2003)